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January 14, 2024

Life Transitions – Sometimes Deceptively Difficult!

Life is a journey filled with transitions, those inevitable times in life when we shift from one phase to another. While some transitions are anticipated and welcomed, others can catch us off guard, leaving us grappling with unexpected challenges. And often we don’t understand that the difficulty lies purely in the transition, as we look for answers elsewhere as to why we may be feeling a sense of unease in our life when we expect it to be a great time in our life. It's an Illusion! Life transitions are often portrayed as seamless and natural processes, as if one can gracefully move from one chapter of life to the next without stumbling along the way. The reality, however, is far from this. Whether it's starting a new job, ending a relationship, relocating to a different city, or even embarking on a new educational journey, transitions bring about a myriad of emotional, mental, and sometimes physical challenges that are not immediately apparent.  Many times I’ve had clients around the age of 18/19 years who have completed school wondering why they feel such a sense of loss, and unsure of their next stage of life – not surprising, moving from the structure of school, and the support of parents to an instant change in expectations from others, and self determination. Loss and Grief One of the deceptive aspects of life transitions is the profound sense of loss and grief they can evoke. Even positive changes can trigger a mourning process for the familiarity and routine left behind. When we leave behind a job, a home, or a relationship, we are essentially saying goodbye to a part of our identity that was intricately woven into that particular context. With any change, even positive changes, comes a sense of loss, and even just recognising this, can allow you to feel more kind and understanding towards yourself in times of change. Identity Transitions force us to confront questions about who we are and where we fit into the world. The comfortable roles and routines we establish in one phase of life may not seamlessly translate into the next. This dissonance can lead to an identity crisis, leaving us questioning our purpose, values, and self-worth. The process of rediscovering and redefining oneself is often a challenging and intricate journey that takes time and patience.  For example in a new relationship, we may be very happy in that relationship, but question our sense of autonomy, our new relationship to old friends etc. As we transition from one phase of life to another, our social circles may change. Friends, colleagues, and acquaintances who were once integral to our daily lives may fade away. This social isolation can be a silent struggle, as individuals find themselves in new environments without the support networks they once relied on. Building new connections and relationships takes time and effort, adding another layer of complexity to the transition process. Uncertainty and Anxiety Life transitions introduce an element of uncertainty that can be anxiety-inducing. The unknown future, coupled with the fear of failure or rejection, can create a daunting landscape for individuals navigating these changes. The pressure to adapt quickly and seamlessly only adds to the stress, making it challenging to embrace the unfamiliar with open arms. One of the most common life transitions I work with in my private practice is clients who come to Sydney from overseas, expecting to feel so happy to be in Sydney, and then struggling, and wondering why they are not enjoying their time in Australia.  Living in a new city or country is a huge transition which brings with it many challenges – often it is the first time away from family and old friends, you may be setting up house, organising travel, jobs – things you may or may not have had to do in the past, or if you did, it was a different country, with different rules.  Let alone the culture shock. And often clients may have been experiencing anxiety or other mental health issues in their own country, and think it might disappear when they move, only to find it remains, or gets worse. Life transitions, though deceptively difficult, are an inherent and necessary part of the human experience. By acknowledging the challenges they bring, we can approach these periods with greater empathy and understanding. It's crucial to recognize that the journey through life transitions is rarely linear, and it's okay to seek support when needed. Ultimately, embracing the complexities of these transitions allows us to emerge stronger, wiser, and more resilient on the other side.

In the meantime, try to be kind and compassionate to yourself as you move through these transitions.

February 24, 2020

No One Likes Difficult Conversations!

“When we avoid difficult conversations we trade in short-term discomfort for long-term dysfunction“. Unknown

A recurrent theme with clients is fear of having difficult conversations.  This could be with a boss, a partner, a parent, or a child.

It seems that those who struggle to have these conversations, believe that others find it easy.  However, in reality, everyone struggles with difficult conversations.  The difference is that some people go ahead and have them anyway.

Conversations can be hugely anxiety provoking

To my mind then, it’s not really different to any other form of anxiety we might struggle with.  You go over and over the conversation in your mind, and of course, predict the worst outcome! (with your negative bias brain in good working order!).

You don’t have the conversation because you expect the worst outcome.  You would prefer to sit with the unknown rather than deal with the response.

There is no ideal time for having a difficult conversation

We believe there is an ideal time to have that conversation.  In reality, there is never a right time.  Interruptions, ruining date night, after a hard day’s work, just want to have fun.

So, What can help you take steps towards the conversation you don’t want to have?

Esther Perel, a renowned psychotherapist specialising in couples therapy, spoke on a podcast, which you can listen to here … https://www.abc.net.au/radio/programs/ladies-we-need-to-talk/esther-perel-how-to-have-a-hard-conversation/11360246

What she says, which I find in some way comforting, is that you cannot control the outcome of the conversation.  You can control what you say, but no matter how you say it, the other person can respond respectfully, responsively, OR reactively, defensively, OR in any other unpredictable way.  At least if you say what you need to say, it is externalised and you have said what you needed to say.  And, you can own the conversation, and take responsibility for your feelings, rather than laying blame on the other person.

She also points out, that in our minds, we know how the person is likely to respond because, usually we are in a long term relationship with them, whether it be friend, parent, partner …

She suggests having a conversation about just that, as a starting point.  For example, you may start by saying something along the lines of “I want to have a conversation about something with you, but I’m concerned that when we have these kinds of conversations, you might respond in a certain way, so I avoid having the conversation”.

I really like the way Esther suggests communicating to the other person, the process you are going through in your mind, as you speak, rather than just the content, taking the communication to another level.

Is it good to plan your conversation?

Whilst there is not necessarily a right time to have a conversation, it might still be a good idea to plan what you want to say.  This way you can own the conversation, and try not to speak in a blaming way.  Using assertive ‘I’ statements is a good idea.  Here’s a link to show you what I mean by ‘I’ statements https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/i-message.  OR you might even consider writing a letter so that you can list the person’s strengths, and tell them how you feel about them, so that they feel secure in that knowledge, and at the same time tell them what you are struggling with.  It also gives them time to reflect, rather than feel defensive.

Barriers to having a conversation

Sometimes, no matter what, we are unable to start the conversation.  This might be due to low self esteem, history of trauma or abuse, or part of our protective self survival mechanisms.  Counselling can help you uncover these and explore what makes it so difficult for you to communicate significant issues to significant others.  If you’d like more information click here https://www.bondi-mind.com.au/contact-us/

 

November 29, 2019

Existential Crisis?!

I seem to have many clients walking through my doors at the moment who suddenly get to a point in their life and find themselves in a counselling room because they are feeling overwhelmed and stuck.

I remember going through the same thing myself at around 28.  Feeling that my career had chosen me, I had not chosen my career.  And I wasn’t sure about my relationship.  Essentially as a young adult, questioning my identity, and being afraid it was too late to do anything about it.  In hindsight, I can’t believe I felt I’d stuffed up.  I thought it was too late to change the direction of my life.  The risk of change scared me –  changing careers, partners, etc.  Fast forward 20+ years, and I find clients are struggling with similar issues.

The words ‘Existential Crisis’, always come to mind when meeting with clients struggling in such a way.  We tend to go through childhood meeting parents’ needs, making career choices based on parents’ perceptions of us.  And then, usually between the ages of 25 and 35 years, we start to question everything – and I mean everything!!

It is so awful to think that your life has been one big mistake.  You feel that you’ve missed out on a partner,  a satisfying career, a life of adventure.  This can also be a time of feeling incredibly alone, because no one understands the depth of your internal struggle.

As a student, I remember an Existential Therapist said; “you are born into this world alone, and you die alone”.  I took this to mean that it is up to me to make life choices that create meaning and purpose. This concept had a profoundly comforting impact.  It was a wake up call – no one is going to rescue me from my challenges.  It is my journey.  I have the freedom to make choices but I also have to deal with the consequences of my choices.  Somehow, from that moment, it became clear to me that I had to make decisions based on what I wanted.   It’s up to me to live a full and meaningful life, in a way that only makes sense to me.

So what is an Existential Crisis?

An existential crisis is essentially an identity crisis.  During an existential crisis you find yourself asking who you are, whether you’ve accomplished what you wanted, what is your place in the world, your reason for being here, what is the meaning of life.  It may occur during significant life transitions such as leaving school, becoming an adult, having children, reaching mid-life, retiring.  Or, it may be triggered by a significant event such as the loss of a loved one, a major upheaval in your chosen career.

During an existential crisis you may feel confused and highly anxious, unable to make decisions and might sink into feelings of despair.  All these feelings are a sign that there is something to be resolved.  You can’t just hope it will go away.  What I tell my clients is that whilst it is an awful feeling, once you have taken some time to reflect and re-evaluate life on your own terms you will usually be able to see it as a time of great change and exciting opportunities.  Finding a supportive therapist to talk through this period of depression or anxiety can help turn a tough moment in your life into a time of positive transformation and personal growth.

In writing this piece, I googled the quote and found that the actual full quote is by Orson Welles:

“We’re born alone, we live alone, we die alone.  Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we’re not alone”.

Was he saying that no one can really see inside our head, or walk in our shoes, and therefore the feeling of not being alone is an illusion?  I guess as a counsellor, we are trying to empathise through imagining what it’s like to walk in another’s shoes, and help clarify what’s going on for them, to provide insight and new perspectives.  And often the reason clients end up in the therapy room is because they feel a sense of incredible aloneness, and feel that friends and family don’t understand.

A palliative care nurse, Bronnie Ware, wrote a book that included what she thought were the top five regrets of the dying.  In summary they wished that:

  1. they had the courage to live a life true to themselves, not the one other people expected of them.
  2. that they hadn’t worked so hard.
  3. they wanted the courage to express their feelings.
  4. and wished they stayed in touch with friends.
  5. and finally that they let themselves be happier.

So if the philosophy of Existentialism is about our existence and what living a meaningful life means to us, then those that are dying can give us an idea of the kinds of things to focus on in terms of finding purpose.

If you’re interested in Existential Philosophy, or existentially focused therapy, you might like to look at the following links.

https://www.theguardian.com/books/2016/mar/04/ten-reasons-to-be-an-existentialist

https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/types/existential-psychotherapy

August 19, 2019

Walk and Talk Counselling/Therapy

 

Why Walk & Talk?

I have been extolling the virtues of the ocean for mental health benefits for many years. And so I called my practice ‘Bondi Mind Counselling’, because the ocean brings a sense of peace and calm.   You’re struggling, stressed, feeling anxious, or feeling irritated.  There is nothing quite like a coastal walk, sitting by the sea, or swimming in the ocean.  One of the keys to mental health recovery from depression and anxiety is to start with gentle activity.  Exercise is the one thing that is difficult to start if you don’t feel like getting up in the morning, but is an essential first step.

So it struck me that I should walk the talk, and introduce Walk and Talk Counselling Sessions.  I don’t in any way think that it  replaces face to face counselling.  There is a need in counselling to sit in a calm environment and reflect, to go deeper into unresolved issues.

 

The Benefits

However, there are many benefits to Walk & Talk Therapy, particularly when Bondi Beach provides the land and seascape.  It combines the benefits of:

  • Ocean minerals – have a calming effect on your mind
  • Exercise – encourages physical activity and can be the first step in recovery from depression and anxiety
  • Less intimidating or intensive – you may feel that face to face counselling is too confronting. Particularly if you’re younger, or have lost your confidence talking face to face from feeling isolated.  Walk and Talk Counselling might be a good place to start getting comfortable with the counselling process – a transition.
  • A good way to practise mindfulness skills with a therapist
  • I’m guided by your needs.  Power walking, sitting watching the waves, wandering along the promenade, just as in person-centred counselling, I support you in whatever physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual needs you have.

In addition, the latest research findings suggest that being in nature builds your immunity, helps with anxiety symptoms such as rumination, and can lift your mood.

Essentially, the mere act of walking AND talking can help shift that feeling of being ‘stuck’ or overwhelmed, promoting psychological processing.  For more information click here:https://www.bondi-mind.com.au/faqs/

August 14, 2019

Bondi Beach Ocean Therapy

One of the key motivations for setting up Bondi Mind Counselling, was my strong belief in the mental health benefits of being close to the ocean.  The ocean affects people on almost every level when it comes to mental health:

 

Encourages Physical activity

Being active is central to good mental health. In fact, it’s probably the first step a professional will recommend to relieve symptoms of depression and anxiety.  And if you head to the beach you’ll notice all sorts of activities from group fitness to running, walking, swimming, surfing, beach volleyball, to name a few.

 

At Bondi there’s a couple of surfing organisations specifically set up for mental health and wellbeing – Waves of Wellness (https://www.foundationwow.org), and One Wave (https://www.onewaveisallittakes.com) which offer surf therapy and other programs, such as Fluro Fridays. I know a number of people who rely on getting out into the surf on an almost daily basis to take care of their mental health – the benefits of surfing are too many to mention here, but if you’re interested check out https://www.surfertoday.com/surfing/how-surfing-improves-your-mental-health

And if you want to learn how to surf, Let’s Go Surfing is the Bondi go to … https://letsgosurfing.com.au

 

It can relieve symptoms of depression

The sound of the waves crashing, and the sound of water can help relieve negative feelings

Visiting the beach allows you to clear your mind of any dark thoughts you might be having and helps with your worries.

 

Sea air helps with insomnia

Sea air is enriched with oxygen and is cleaner, and fresher generally.  It provides a more quality sleep.

Listening to the waves crashing on the shore, can help you relax and fall asleep, and lower stress.

 

It lowers stress levels

Ocean water is filled with positive ions which have a calming effect on your mind.

It is a great space to contemplate and reflect on your life

  • Being by the ocean gives you the chance to put things in perspective. A walk in the sea air, or sitting on the beach or by the coast can help you to look more positively at life.  And the latest research shows that spending time in nature reduces production of the stress hormone cortisol, so you feel happier and healthier.
  • Often in movies and books, it shows creatives engaging in their craft close to the ocean. And this is because spending time by the sea can encourage you to be more motivated and productive.  The soothing sounds and visuals of the ocean improves creativity, whether it be for art or solving other issues in your life.

I know for myself, that walking down at Bondi, or sitting on the beach has many benefits:

  • Putting life in perspective
  • Recharging, remotivating, relaxing, rejuvenating
  • Keeping me active and full of life, and joy of life.

Often if clients are not ready or wanting to sit in face to face in counselling, I encourage either ‘walk and talk therapy’ or a session talking, sitting by the beach.  Either that, or taking a walk before or after a counselling session can be very helpful.

If you’re interested in walk and talk or sessions by the beach, they are $80 per session. Please get in touch to find out more. Ph: 0414 907 764, or email me at jacinta@catley.com.au

August 2, 2019

What is the Difference between Counselling and Psychology?

Psychology

is a body of scientific knowledge that aims to help people with various emotional, cognitive and behavioural issues.  It emphasises applying research and evidence to defined disorders.  It therefore aims to provide clients with information and strategies to help them with their particular, often diagnosed condition.

Counsellors

aim to create a therapeutic relationship, with their clients that provide new insight and fresh perspectives.  The client can then decide what they want to change in their lives.  Counselling focuses on the person as a whole, rather than that he or she has a particular disorder or diagnosis.

The counsellor and client are in a relationship of nurturing discovery.  Counsellors are trained to pay attention to not only client reactions, but also their own reactions to the client.  This provides the counsellor with direction on whether to explore certain topics or issues with the client.

Art vs Science

Psychologists tend to make decisions based on their knowledge of disorders or diagnoses.  They use evidence-based interventions.  A counsellor’s approach is a discovery together of what works for each client.

Professional counsellors usually have therapy themselves, to understand what it’s like to be a client, and to do their own in-depth self exploration.  This is so they don’t bring their own issues into the therapeutic relationship.  Psychology courses usually don’t include any such experiential component.

Esssentially, Psychology is a science, based on evidence and research.  Counselling is more of an art, based on intuition and creativity.  However Counsellors still work from a body of knowledge of various theories that inform their work, and also use psychological models which provide, over time a sense of  ‘clinical wisdom’.

Psychology tends to focus on resolving ambiguity and complexity through the application of evidence based principles, whereas Counselling focuses on the counsellor’s ability to tolerate ambiguity and complexity with clients – not expecting a ‘fix’, and being driven by the client’s needs in each session, rather than developing a treatment plan.

Of course, as both psychologists and counsellors develop in their chosen paths, they often bring learnings from both psychology and counselling into their practice and blend the two to cater to their particular clients’ needs.  They also mature and acquire their own life experiences and developtheir self awareness to provide a safe, holding space, and a sense of patience, non judgement and tolerance, for clients to explore their own inner worlds.