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October 17, 2018

Cultivating Happiness … From the Inside Out

 

Spring is the time to plant new seeds in the garden.  We leave the winter nest and embrace new beginnings, purchase and lay down new plants.  We can look at how we can use the same concept to cultivate happiness and fulfilment in our own lives.

Spring cleaning

The first stage is spring cleaning or the weeding stage.   We try to understand what’s getting in our way, either through therapy or confronting what’s keeping us stuck – Relationships? Work? Fear? Brene Brown’s TED Talk on vulnerability and courage could be a good place to start if you want to delve deeper https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability

Acknowledging

The second stage is taking a step back and acknowledging the work you’ve done. It’s may not have been pleasant, but you can step back and acknowledge and admire your hard work.  You may feel that a sense of new beginnings.  You may feel re-energised, or a sense of renewal. Practising Mindfulness, can play this role in our own lives, giving a sense of presence, awareness, and re-focusing, without judgement or evaluation.

Cultivating Happiness

The third stage is the real gold – cultivating happiness, planting the seeds. Rick Hanson wrote a book called Hardwiring Happiness, and he talks a lot about the idea that we can build resilience through paying attention to the positive, beautiful moments in our lives. It has now been scientifically proven, that paying attention to those precious moments lays down the foundations for happiness within.  This then builds resilience for when times are tough. I love his words “take care of the minutes, and the years will take care of themselves”. If you pay attention to those small moments of wonder in your life, then you are preparing your mind and body to hold onto positivity and build further resilience. http://www.rickhanson.net/the-science-of-positive-brain-change/
Alternatively if you get stuck in a negative thought process, it’s like a broken record, the needle stuck in the groove, and it’s not a good groove!

I’m not a gardener, but it’s pretty evident to me that if you want your garden to be sustainable and weather the storms, and be the best it can be, you have to start with the weeding before you can plant the seeds. Then plant the seeds of positivity and notice life. Internalising positive and pleasurable experiences through noticing and paying attention, even if it’s only for a couple of moments, is like installing a new software update that gives you new gifts of positive perspectives.

September 26, 2018

Tune into your Body to Release Emotions – What Resists Persists!

It seems that every day there is more information on how strongly interconnected the body and mind are. There are many new findings.  For example, the role the gut plays in our mental health.  And, the role that focusing on body and breath in mindfulness practice plays in improving day to day living.

Another  key area that is developing strongly in the psychotherapeutic and counselling fields, is learning to tune into our bodily sensations.  By doing this we recognise and therefore acknowledge and express our emotions.

As adults, we may spend time in therapy deconstructing the way we are raised.  When asked … “how are you?”, we have been told to be polite and we respond with “good, thank you”.  When really we feel sad, angry, annoyed or any one of many emotions.  We learn not to be honest with ourselves and others about how we feel.  We may also learn not to tell someone how we  ‘really’ feel for safety reasons. If as a child you felt that no one cared when you were upset, you might learn to hide it. As an adult therefore, you fear being dismissed or rejected.  We most likely have also built psychological defences.  For example when something is too hard to handle we repress it or we are in denial.

Particularly in the Western World we are not taught to notice the physiological feeling of emotions in our bodies, and then to express them.  Isn’t it interesting when you practice something like yoga or mindfulness that these emotions often rise to the surface from the unconscious, if you allow them to.

We are also gender programmed to deal with emotions in particular ways.  A classic example of this is men are generally comfortable with anger but not sadness, or women are comfortable with kindness and sadness, but not anger.

So one of the key goals in therapy is emotional congruence.  This means exploring what is going on in the body physiologically.  Essentially tuning into feelings in our body, and then expressing them through language.  If we allow a person to express sadness that they feel in their body, then their insides are matching their outsides – they feel relief, authenticity and others will see their authenticity, and empathise with how they feel.

As science keeps telling us “the body holds the score”.  If we don’t express emotions and we internalise them, they tend to play out as chronic illness or conditions such as back pain.  It is amazing how just the simple act of externalising painful emotions can relieve physical pain.

September 17, 2018

Breathing to Relieve Anxiety

 

Anxiety is an unpleasant experience. As I see it there are three ways of approaching anxiety relief.

The first is to control the arousal, the second is to increase the acceptance of the anxiety, and the third is to look at the underlying causes of the anxiety.

Controlling the arousal is usually something that happens in the acute phase.  In other words, when you are already feeling the anxiety and you need relief, the most effective way is through using the breath.  And there are many ways of breathing that can help bring relief.  The trick is finding the one that works for you.

Increasing the acceptance of the anxiety is something that can be worked on with your therapist.  It might seem opposing in some ways to the first approach.  The first approach suggests trying to control the anxiety, whereas the second approach is about accepting the anxiety.  However, the second approach is more about learning to accept the anxiety through mindfulness, and noticing it in your body, thereby building resilience and strength so that anxiety becomes less frightening, and therefore rather than controlling it, your are accepting it and thereby it dissipates.

Exploring the underlying causes of anxiety is the third approach.  Usually clients have an idea of what is causing the anxiety, but digging deeper and externalising the fear can help clients name it, and therefore tame it.

Whilst there is a plethora of information in books and on the internet about these approaches, seeing a therapist can help you as an individual, explore what will work best for you, as there is no ‘one size fits all’ approach when it comes to anxiety relief and management.

As a client you can choose to have just a couple of sessions of therapy to explore what type of approaches may work for you, but if you really want to get to the root cause, it may take a bit longer.  The most important thing to remember though, is that the choice is yours, not the therapist’s.  And a good therapist will know this.

September 4, 2018

Mindfulness and its Benefits

Mindfulness is a bit of a buzz word these days.  Essentially it can be defined as follows:

“Paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, without judgement”

Whilst it seems that it is something that’s very ‘now’, it comes from the Buddhist tradition. However in today’s world it is used for many different reasons and has little to do with religion in therapy.  In fact, it is used not only generally for wellbeing, but is a clinically proven therapy in its own right for those suffering from depression and anxiety.

Some of the proven benefits of mindful meditation are:

  • improved mood – decreases depression, anxiety, irritability
  • memory improvement
  • better relationships
  • improved immune system
  • and can bring relief for those dependent on alcohol and other drugs.

So why and how does mindfulness work?

The mind is essentially a problem solver.  So when you’re feeling down, the natural thing the mind does is try to fix the problem. We start to worry about what is wrong with us, why it’s happening to us, predict the worst outcome, and generally beat ourselves up, and then we sink into further negative thought patterns.

Over time this becomes a vicious cycle that can lead to harsh self criticism and even depression and anxiety.  Because our mind taps into memories without us even being conscious of it, we feel the threat in our bodies – butterflies in our stomach, heart racing, sweaty palms.  This is based on historical survival skills stemming from when we needed to run away from life threatening beasts.  To our unconscious minds, the threat is the same,  and so we try to push away thoughts and feelings that are threatening – whether they are real or imagined.

I know it seems counterintuitive, but what mindfulness teaches us to do is to observe what is going on in the mind without judgement.  This quietens our inner critic.  You can’t stop the self-critical thoughts and unhappy memories, but you can stop them feeding into destructive emotions that make you unhappy.  By practising mindfulness, you can observe the thoughts, and any emotions that come up, and then observe them as they pass.

Recognising them as they arise, watching them come and go and realising they are not real can bring great relief.

Start your practice with as little as five minutes a day.  It doesn’t have to be a lot, and it doesn’t necessarily have to be meditation as we know it.  If you’re looking for relief, one of my favourite books is “Mindfulness.  An Eight Week Plan for Finding Peace in a Frantic World”, by authors Mark Williams and Danny Penman.

August 17, 2018

Navigating Relationships

I don’t want to go bursting anyone’s romantic bubble, but wouldn’t you rather ensure the success of the relationship you are entering into, rather than collapse in pieces further down the track and wonder why?  After all, longstanding intimate relationships are the primary social structure of our society, and have been since the evolution of human beings.

Given therefore, that healthy relationships are essential to a healthy society, romance is one element of a healthy relationship, and arguably it’s important to look at other aspects of our relationships to determine their health and longevity.

Perhaps when choosing a partner or indeed, exploring problems in our relationships, we could explore various theories of successful relationships, of which there are many.

So here are a few ideas, although by no means a comprehensive list, but rather to get you thinking …

 

The Concept of Attachment Theory in Relationships

Attachment was originally a theory used to understand primary carer and child relationships.  However since the 1980’s it has been extended to intimate relationships.  If you can understand your own or your partner’s attachment style going into a relationship,  then you can work through any potential issues before they occur, in a constructive manner, and in turn, deepen your understanding of each other.  There’s a test that you can take to determine your style in the link below.  Of course this information is also better enhanced with the help of a good therapist! http://www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl

And here’s some more information on the styles:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/compassion-matters/201307/how-your-attachment-style-impacts-your-relationship

 

The 5 Love Languages

This book by Gary Chapman explores the concept of different languages we speak.  They are: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, Physical Touch.

Essentially you may be communicating at cross purposes with your partner.  For example if you like to spend Quality Time with your partner and he/she defines a good relationship by showering you with Gifts, your needs will not be met, and unless you’re aware of these languages, you will not understand each other.

 

The Role of Neuroplasticity in Creating Better Relationships

Until recently, there was a belief/theory in marriage counselling circles, that in order to be in relationship with another you need to be at the same time autonomous and independent and meet your own needs first. However, the more recent view of good relationships has moved to the concept of there being three components to a relationship – you, your partner, and the relationship.  If the relationship is the priority, then each person in the relationship contributes empathically and does their best to understand each other.  We are social beings.  This in addition, to our more recent understanding of neuroplasticity, means that if we are invested in the relationship as primary, then we can rewire our brains to meet the needs of the relationship.

 

These are only a few concepts.  But as said above, if you commit to a relationship as an investment, then rewards will follow.

 

Why not explore these concepts and more.  Books as mentioned above:

Wired for Love by StanTatkin

The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman

March 6, 2018

Building Resilient Kids and Preventing Anxiety

With the best of intentions, as parents, we are all doing the best for our children, and in many instances giving into their needs and wants to protect and care for them, when in reality it is setting them up have a sense of entitlement, to believe that they don’t have to struggle through situations in life, and an inability to tolerate anything less than success. As the American Journal of Preventive Medicine says … “Families [overly] centered on children create anxious, exhausted parents and demanding, entitled children. We parents today are too quick to sacrifice our lives for our kids. Most of us have created child-centered families, where our children hold priority over our time, energy and attention.”

While it may seem counter intuitive, it is good for us to let our children struggle, it is good for them to see us struggle and deal with difficult situations through problem solving so that they can learn to problem solve themselves, and let’s not feel so guilty for saying No! It’s good for kids’ wellbeing, and it’s good for our own wellbeing. Part of the reason kids are growing into young adults struggling with anxiety, is because they have never had to work through difficult, uncomfortable situations because as parents, we are inclined to protect them, whilst in the long term not setting them up for difficult situations when they become young adults.

Lynn Lyons – psychotherapist specialising in anxiety, talks about the 3 x’s:
– eXpect – that there will be times when you will be uncomfortable, unhappy, disappointed, sad
– eXternalise – give you worry/anxiety a name and talk to it so that you can learn what is worry that can be solved, and what is worry that can be made redundant.
– eXperiment – practice by putting yourself in difficult situations, rather than avoiding them.

By teaching our kids that they can ‘push through’ many situations and survive the uncomfortable feelings and sensations, they will become more confident and gain a sense of mastery, rather than becoming avoidant and increasing their anxiety.