Existential Crisis?!
I seem to have many clients walking through my doors at the moment who suddenly get to a point in their life and find themselves in a counselling room because they are feeling overwhelmed and stuck.
I remember going through the same thing myself at around 28. Feeling that my career had chosen me, I had not chosen my career. And I wasn’t sure about my relationship. Essentially as a young adult, questioning my identity, and being afraid it was too late to do anything about it. In hindsight, I can’t believe I felt I’d stuffed up. I thought it was too late to change the direction of my life. The risk of change scared me – changing careers, partners, etc. Fast forward 20+ years, and I find clients are struggling with similar issues.
The words ‘Existential Crisis’, always come to mind when meeting with clients struggling in such a way. We tend to go through childhood meeting parents’ needs, making career choices based on parents’ perceptions of us. And then, usually between the ages of 25 and 35 years, we start to question everything – and I mean everything!!
It is so awful to think that your life has been one big mistake. You feel that you’ve missed out on a partner, a satisfying career, a life of adventure. This can also be a time of feeling incredibly alone, because no one understands the depth of your internal struggle.
As a student, I remember an Existential Therapist said; “you are born into this world alone, and you die alone”. I took this to mean that it is up to me to make life choices that create meaning and purpose. This concept had a profoundly comforting impact. It was a wake up call – no one is going to rescue me from my challenges. It is my journey. I have the freedom to make choices but I also have to deal with the consequences of my choices. Somehow, from that moment, it became clear to me that I had to make decisions based on what I wanted. It’s up to me to live a full and meaningful life, in a way that only makes sense to me.
So what is an Existential Crisis?
An existential crisis is essentially an identity crisis. During an existential crisis you find yourself asking who you are, whether you’ve accomplished what you wanted, what is your place in the world, your reason for being here, what is the meaning of life. It may occur during significant life transitions such as leaving school, becoming an adult, having children, reaching mid-life, retiring. Or, it may be triggered by a significant event such as the loss of a loved one, a major upheaval in your chosen career.
During an existential crisis you may feel confused and highly anxious, unable to make decisions and might sink into feelings of despair. All these feelings are a sign that there is something to be resolved. You can’t just hope it will go away. What I tell my clients is that whilst it is an awful feeling, once you have taken some time to reflect and re-evaluate life on your own terms you will usually be able to see it as a time of great change and exciting opportunities. Finding a supportive therapist to talk through this period of depression or anxiety can help turn a tough moment in your life into a time of positive transformation and personal growth.
In writing this piece, I googled the quote and found that the actual full quote is by Orson Welles:
“We’re born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we’re not alone”.
Was he saying that no one can really see inside our head, or walk in our shoes, and therefore the feeling of not being alone is an illusion? I guess as a counsellor, we are trying to empathise through imagining what it’s like to walk in another’s shoes, and help clarify what’s going on for them, to provide insight and new perspectives. And often the reason clients end up in the therapy room is because they feel a sense of incredible aloneness, and feel that friends and family don’t understand.
A palliative care nurse, Bronnie Ware, wrote a book that included what she thought were the top five regrets of the dying. In summary they wished that:
- they had the courage to live a life true to themselves, not the one other people expected of them.
- that they hadn’t worked so hard.
- they wanted the courage to express their feelings.
- and wished they stayed in touch with friends.
- and finally that they let themselves be happier.
So if the philosophy of Existentialism is about our existence and what living a meaningful life means to us, then those that are dying can give us an idea of the kinds of things to focus on in terms of finding purpose.
If you’re interested in Existential Philosophy, or existentially focused therapy, you might like to look at the following links.
https://www.theguardian.com/books/2016/mar/04/ten-reasons-to-be-an-existentialist
https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/types/existential-psychotherapy