No One Likes Difficult Conversations!
“When we avoid difficult conversations we trade in short-term discomfort for long-term dysfunction“. Unknown
A recurrent theme with clients is fear of having difficult conversations. This could be with a boss, a partner, a parent, or a child.
It seems that those who struggle to have these conversations, believe that others find it easy. However, in reality, everyone struggles with difficult conversations. The difference is that some people go ahead and have them anyway.
Conversations can be hugely anxiety provoking
To my mind then, it’s not really different to any other form of anxiety we might struggle with. You go over and over the conversation in your mind, and of course, predict the worst outcome! (with your negative bias brain in good working order!).
You don’t have the conversation because you expect the worst outcome. You would prefer to sit with the unknown rather than deal with the response.
There is no ideal time for having a difficult conversation
We believe there is an ideal time to have that conversation. In reality, there is never a right time. Interruptions, ruining date night, after a hard day’s work, just want to have fun.
So, What can help you take steps towards the conversation you don’t want to have?
Esther Perel, a renowned psychotherapist specialising in couples therapy, spoke on a podcast, which you can listen to here … https://www.abc.net.au/radio/programs/ladies-we-need-to-talk/esther-perel-how-to-have-a-hard-conversation/11360246
What she says, which I find in some way comforting, is that you cannot control the outcome of the conversation. You can control what you say, but no matter how you say it, the other person can respond respectfully, responsively, OR reactively, defensively, OR in any other unpredictable way. At least if you say what you need to say, it is externalised and you have said what you needed to say. And, you can own the conversation, and take responsibility for your feelings, rather than laying blame on the other person.
She also points out, that in our minds, we know how the person is likely to respond because, usually we are in a long term relationship with them, whether it be friend, parent, partner …
She suggests having a conversation about just that, as a starting point. For example, you may start by saying something along the lines of “I want to have a conversation about something with you, but I’m concerned that when we have these kinds of conversations, you might respond in a certain way, so I avoid having the conversation”.
I really like the way Esther suggests communicating to the other person, the process you are going through in your mind, as you speak, rather than just the content, taking the communication to another level.
Is it good to plan your conversation?
Whilst there is not necessarily a right time to have a conversation, it might still be a good idea to plan what you want to say. This way you can own the conversation, and try not to speak in a blaming way. Using assertive ‘I’ statements is a good idea. Here’s a link to show you what I mean by ‘I’ statements https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/i-message. OR you might even consider writing a letter so that you can list the person’s strengths, and tell them how you feel about them, so that they feel secure in that knowledge, and at the same time tell them what you are struggling with. It also gives them time to reflect, rather than feel defensive.
Barriers to having a conversation
Sometimes, no matter what, we are unable to start the conversation. This might be due to low self esteem, history of trauma or abuse, or part of our protective self survival mechanisms. Counselling can help you uncover these and explore what makes it so difficult for you to communicate significant issues to significant others. If you’d like more information click here https://www.bondi-mind.com.au/contact-us/